Dr. Daisy Greenthumb

Got a gardening problem that's got you beat?

Well, send it in and let our experts Dr. Daisy Greenthumb and George Bush (no relation) point you in the right direction!

Q: How can I make a small garden look bigger?
A: Bonsai everything.

Q: Our area is renown for its high frequency of break-ins. Any suggestions?
A: Well, obviously you must clear out all large shrubs which would conceal these illegal activities from passers-by. And fortunately, nature has provided us with some wonderfully evil, spiky and be-thorned plants that can be cunningly planted under windows. Our personal favorite is the Venezuelan Testicle Piercer (Pinaceae gonadicus excruciatus). Those in a particularly high crime area might prefer the pirhana-filled moat option.

Q: My lawn is full of weeds and my flower beds are overrun by grass. What can I do?
A: You need to use the ancient practice of crop rotation. In fact, nature is trying to do this for you. Every few years, simply swap which areas are for your lawn and which are for flowers.

Q: I'm sick of the boring gardens they constantly present on TV gardening shows. They all look the same. I want something more individual that will stand out in my neighborhood and not look like a cloned replica of everyone else's garden. I also prefer the minimalist look. Any suggestions?
A: Yes. Plant a single Weeping Banyan (Ficus benjamina) in your front garden. Remove all other vegetation. If you note the five people standing beneath the tree shown below, I think you will agree that your property will soon become a neighborhood landmark.

Q: My compost bin is a huge failure. No matter how much grass clippings, lime, vegetable peelings, manure, etc, that I put in, it just disappears almost completely. By contrast, after six to eight weeks, my neighbor has a lovely pile of rich compost. I know my bin is healthy because there are worms present in the mix. What is going wrong?
A: I think what is happening here is that you've unwittingly created what scientists call a "worm hole" and your beautiful rich compost is being channelled to another time and space continuum. Contact NASA for further information. In the meantime, be content that you are not only doing your bit to renew the Earth, but you are doing it for the entire universe!

Q: I love the quirky look of those crop circles that you see in the media. I'd like one in my front yard as a talking point. How do I attract an alien spaceship to land on my lawn?
A: I think a medical doctor may be best able to help you out with this one.

Q: How do I get great looking vegies without grub holes and spots, etc, like they have in the shops?
A: Buy them from the shops.

Q: Recently I went to my local garden center to purchase some insecticide that I've successfully used in the past. But I was told that it's no longer available. Why is this?
A: It's just a sign of the times, unfortunately. Those damn greenies are making it harder and harder for us nature lovers to keep on top of the situation vis-a-vis garden pests and weeds. However, there are a few true believers still out there. Click here for more info.

Q: My neighbor acts very strangely in the garden. For example, she sings and chants, most commonly around the time of the full moon . Often people come to her house and I never see them again. Also there are weird shaped plots in her yard - I'm talking about 6' by 3'. Am I in any mortal danger?
A: Why don't you consult our resident garden therapist at Psychiatrist's Corner?

Q: I have a large area of lawn which I hate mowing. What can I do?
A: Rip up that pesky grass and replace it with maintenance-free and attractive green concrete. Do try to keep that smug look off your face as your hapless neighbors struggle on each weekend with their tiresome mowing activities. Read about one man's inner struggle with the mowing demon.