Q: How can I make a small garden look bigger?
A: Bonsai everything.
Our area is renown for its high frequency of break-ins. Any suggestions?
A: Well, obviously you must clear out all large shrubs which would conceal
these illegal activities from passers-by. And fortunately, nature has
provided us with some wonderfully evil, spiky and be-thorned plants that
can be cunningly planted under windows. Our personal favorite is the Venezuelan
Testicle Piercer (Pinaceae gonadicus excruciatus). Those in a particularly
high crime area might prefer the pirhana-filled moat option.
Q: My lawn is full of weeds and my flower beds are
overrun by grass. What can I do?
A: You need to use the ancient practice of crop rotation. In fact, nature
is trying to do this for you. Every few years, simply swap which areas
are for your lawn and which are for flowers.
Q: I'm sick of the boring gardens they constantly present
on TV gardening shows. They all look the same. I want something more individual
that will stand out in my neighborhood and not look like a cloned replica
of everyone else's garden. I also prefer the minimalist look. Any suggestions?
A: Yes. Plant a single Weeping Banyan (Ficus benjamina) in your front
garden. Remove all other vegetation. If you note the five people standing
beneath the tree shown below, I think you will agree that your property
will soon become a neighborhood landmark.
Q: My compost bin is a huge failure. No matter how
much grass clippings, lime, vegetable peelings, manure, etc, that I put
in, it just disappears almost completely. By contrast, after six to eight
weeks, my neighbor has a lovely pile of rich compost. I know my bin is
healthy because there are worms present in the mix. What is going wrong?
A: I think what is happening here is that you've unwittingly created what
scientists call a "worm hole" and your beautiful rich compost
is being channelled to another time and space continuum. Contact NASA
for further information. In the meantime, be content that you are not
only doing your bit to renew the Earth, but you are doing it for the entire
Q: I love the quirky look of those crop circles that
you see in the media. I'd like one in my front yard as a talking point.
How do I attract an alien spaceship to land on my lawn?
A: I think a medical doctor may be best able to help you out with this
Q: How do I get great looking vegies without grub holes
and spots, etc, like they have in the shops?
A: Buy them from the shops.
Q: Recently I went to my local garden center to purchase
some insecticide that I've successfully used in the past. But I was told
that it's no longer available. Why is this?
A: It's just a sign of the times, unfortunately. Those damn greenies are
making it harder and harder for us nature lovers to keep on top of the
situation vis-a-vis garden pests and weeds. However, there are a few true
believers still out there. Click here for
Q: My neighbor acts very strangely in the garden. For
example, she sings and chants, most commonly around the time of the full
moon . Often people come to her house and I never see them again. Also
there are weird shaped plots in her yard - I'm talking about 6' by 3'.
Am I in any mortal danger?
A: Why don't you consult our resident garden
therapist at Psychiatrist's Corner?
Q: I have a large area of lawn which I hate mowing.
What can I do?
Visit Johns jokes for a good laugh.
A: Rip up that pesky grass and replace it with maintenance-free and attractive
green concrete. Do try to keep that smug look off your face as your hapless
neighbors struggle on each weekend with their tiresome mowing activities.
Read about one man's inner struggle with the