Psychiatrist's Corner
Want to know whether you live next door to a saint or a psychopath?
Our resident garden psychiatrist, Dr. Sol Greenbaum, presents the ultimate guide to knowing what lies on the other side of your fence.
The Cheery Charlie Type
This person has an open, sunny personality. But you probably already know
this, as he's no doubt long introduced himself, the missus and the kids
to you on the day you moved in.
Rating: Harmless
The Old-fashioned Romantic Type
With a rambling, overgrown hodge-podge of beautiful fragrant blooms, this person is highly sensual, obviously romantic, and sentimental. They will care for your pets when you go on vacation, and take in strays, both animal and human.
Rating: Makes a great cup of tea.
The Slightly Obsessive Old-fashioned Romantic Type
Here we again see the romantic personality type, as expressed by the delicate, highly perfumed lavender. However, the orderly layout of the planting suggests that this person likes to do it "my way".
Rating: Any vegetation of yours that strays over the fence line will be terminated.
The Full-blown Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder type
Any fool can see that the owner of this garden has an extreme need to control. And an extremely sharp pair of scissors. You will probably be more acquainted with their backside than their face. As a child, was extremely neat at "coloring-in" and never went "outside the lines".
Rating: Pedantic but dependable.
The Salt of the Earth Type
"Live and let live" is this gardener's motto, as the fallen leaves are left to provide nutrients to Mother Earth. Hated passionately by Full-blown Obsessive-Compulsive types, especially on windy days.
Rating: Loves windy days.
The Completely-Certifiable, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Type
Totally out of touch with nature, this type is never without a pair of pruning shears to hand. Favorite movie: Edward Scissorhands.
Rating: Don't visit if you need a haircut. They start to twitch and may even convulse violently.
The Paranoid Type
This person has something to hide and believes the world is out to get them. Do they really think we don't know there's a house under there?
Rating: Won't answer the door, but the ivy may move slightly.
The "Touch me not" Type
No loving embraces from this neighbor, this prickly character can be a real pain in the butt. Still, they are doing their best to conserve water and should be applauded for their environmental friendliness.
Rating: Ouch!
The Introspective Reflective Type
You will rarely see this gentle, meditative garden guru, as they are mostly found pondering the meaning of life, well away from noisy, irritating neighbors like yourself.
Rating: Makes a great cup of herbal tea.
The Antisocial Personality Disorder Type
Filled with rage, this type finds the "maniacially slashed" look to be rather pleasing to the eye.
Rating: Move now.
The "Wicked Witch" Type
Rapunzel, Hansel and Gretel, Sleeping Beauty. You know the plot. Clearly trying to lure you in with that seductive, come hither" gateway, you can bet your slow-release fertilizer that there'll be more than one type of "plot" in this backyard.
Rating: Beware.
The "Where am I?" Type
Completely unable to orient themselves in life, these folk seem lost in a world of their own. May take a while to answer the front door when you come to borrow a cup of sugar.
Rating: Amazing!
The Completely Loopy Type
Obviously this person's brain has completely composted.
Rating: Be nice. This could happen to you one day.
The Psychopathic Gardener Type
This gardener has a preference for blood and bone fertilizers. Often accompanied by screeching staccato-style violins amongst the foliage. Will readily invite you for a "sleep-over".
Rating: Wait till you meet "Mother".